Detox Diaries # 4

     . . .My mother. To this day, I still don’t think that anything I’ll ever do will ever be good enough for her. I still believe she thinks that there is something wrong with me. Lord knows, she’s made numerous statements to me that suggest she thinks as much. So what I’m going to do now is list all of them here so no one gets the impression that I’m whining or pulling things out of my ass:
* “Your mind is . . .” Yeah, go ahead and finish that sentence . . .I dare you!
* “I don’t understand you.” *gasp* You don’t? But I though you had the answers for everything. (#sarcasm) That is your fault, you know. If I wasn’t so convinced that my intellect would be insulted, or my sanity questioned if I were to actually open up and be totally honest with you, then maybe you WOULD understand.
* “What’s wrong with you?” I came out of you, She Who Knows All. Why don’t you tell me . . .and then more than likely be totally wrong about it?
* “You’re off in your own little world.” My so-called “world” is actually HUGE. There’s a whole lot of stuff that I can probably never even mention to you, let alone get you to understand.
In response to a statement I made about black people just building their own society within a society and not needing to have stupid conversations about affirmative action and other issues with white people: “What La La Land are you living in?” I’ve had my suspicions for the past few years, but now it’s official: YOU are the one living in La La Land by telling me that wanting to see people who look like me in positions of power once again is a fantasy. I want y’all to read this one again so you can see what she was really saying to me.

* * * *

     At the time the above statements were made to and about me, I didn’t have all those smart alec-y comebacks and answers. Well, all except for that last remark where I just gave up and said to myself, “Is it even for me to attempt to update such a slave like mentality?” Even if I wanted to . . .No, never mind. I DON’T want to.”
But anyway, I believed her when she said those awful things to me because I didn’t have any evidence to challenge what she was saying. I was already being frozen out by pretty much all the kids at school and in the neighborhood¾and now my own mother seems to be turning on me as well. Maybe there . . .

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