Detox Diaries # 6

     . . .almost lost my true essence because all I cared about was fitting in. I just wanted to be accepted by someone. Anyone! If there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that sacrificing my very soul would have granted me access into a world that seem hard pressed to keep me out, then I’d have done it. I would have happily become the epitome of soullessness and conformity that I have since learned this society demands. But I never did; I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
No, I never lost my essence in a trade. It just came frighteningly close to being extinguished from all the internal battles I was fighting and losing at that time. I didn’t know exactly what a soul was back then, however I did know that there was some part of me that was being attacked, rejected, and suppressed. Rather than just let it get destroyed, I encased it in a thick layer of ice to keep it preserved. I also built a mental fortress around it, a sort of Shinto-esque shrine. (Hey, I am an avid anime fan after all.)
Now here’s where the real devastation came in: constructing a pseudo personality to guard that shrine. It was essentially a watered down, hollowed out version of myself. Protecting my true self while maintaining and operating from a false persona ate up a LOT of mental energy. So much that I hardly had any left over for anything else. Trying to pull off a false version of myself also cost me a lot of my confidence, self esteem, passion, and vision. Worst of all, doing this cost me my . . .

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