Detox Diaries # 7

     . . .peace of mind or sense of contentment I might have found throughout my teens and early 20’s, which had to be the most depressing time of my life . . .so far . . .
But anyway, looking back on those years feels like remembering a bad dream, a truly endless nightmare. I was continually haunted by a near-constant undercurrent of fear, anxiety, and dread. There were also intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Moments of genuine happiness and satisfaction were fleeting. And few.
And it gets worse. I actually believed walking around like this every waking moment was just par for the course, that this was basically what life was all about, that it was NORMAL.
I sloooowly, almost imperceptibly, stopped combating this state of being. Since I had been unable to receive any substantial help in dealing with this issue, I quit asking for help and just resigned myself to suffer in silence. Which I also accepted as normal. There were no friends that I could turn to and no help from family members.
The unresponsiveness that I got from them back then still makes it hard for me to reach out to people. It has trained me to expect to be rejected and/or ignored. Read this part carefully, People of Facebook Land who know me personally. Other than needing peace and quiet to work/relax/recharge/whatever, THIS is why you don’t hear from me very often. I have also been conditioned to avoid becoming an “annoyance” to others whenever I need help or guidance. OR EVEN A DAMN HUG OR SOMEONE TO JUST HOLD MY HAND EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
Speaking (okay, writing) about this kind of stuff on a public forum while all of this was going on would have been inconceivable. So I held it all inside as it slowly broke me down and inflicted a barely-tolerable mental and emotional strain. That is, until something snapped and everything began to cave in on itself. That’s when . . .

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