Detox Diaries # 9

     . . .maybe not! Things DID NOT end well. They just ended and they’ll never be the same again.
Take all that I’ve written here, people who know me personally or who have been following this series, and you’ll see that what it describes is a collection of factors and events that came together to create The Perfect Storm. A storm that changed the landscape of my mind and soul forever and left a lot of damage in its wake that will probably take me YEARS to fully repair. That is, if doing such a thing is even possible.

*The Damage In the Wake of The Perfect Storm*

1. Lingering doubts about my worth as a person and a woman. I still wonder if I’ll ever be “good enough” on a regular basis.
2. Periodic difficulty in the verbal expression of my deepest thoughts and feelings. Somewhere in my mind, I still have expectations of being badly received or misunderstood and thus I’ll be criticized, shut down, or just dismissed altogether. Or called stupid. Or have my intelligence questioned . . .or mocked. I also fear that the other person won’t listen or shut up long enough for me to REALLY get across what I’m trying to say. It’s this sort of thing that lead to most of the madness that went into creating The Storm.
3. An overwhelming compulsion toward secrecy, especially with family. My friends, and also random acquaintances, have a clearer picture of who I really am than they do at this point in time.
4. An absolute refusal, or inability to speak to blood relatives about anything that isn’t trivial. It is such a foreign concept that I think my brain automatically shuts itself off as a defense mechanism.
5. Compulsion to feign ignorance or plain old stupidity around a certain person. Another way of defending myself.
With everything that has happened during and after That Perfect storm, I have become so uncomfortable around this person and so afraid of saying the wrong thing and starting some stupid argument about nothing. I regularly (and semi-consciously) resort to the following ass-backwards maneuvers:
A.) say nothing. The less, the better.
B.) say only what they wanted to hear
C.) be as evasive as possible. Never reveal too much as it WILL come back to bite me in the ass
D.) just lie
E.) make obscure references as a diversion
*I know this this sort of behavior is counter-productive, but I just don’t know what the hell else to do. I promise, I only use these tactics on them!

*Yay . . .More Damage . . .*

6. Hesitance in making in known that I need help or just want to talk. This hesitance extends to any and every act of kindness or care that one person can show to another. For a very long time, I was fully convinced that even admitting I even had needs of this nature was a REALLY BAD IDEA, almost criminal.
7. A burning need to feel safe. In my younger years I learned that the safest place to be was in my room. All alone. Keeping away from people in general and family in particular. Even now, if I have no real reason to be in any other part of my house that is where I usually am. It’s the only place that I have to work toward a brighter future . . .in secret.

That’s some real damage right there. But the worst part of it all is . . .


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