Detox Diaries # 10

     . . .making my way in the world with so many unmet emotional needs. There’s so much guidance and nurturing I missed out on. At times, I feel like I have been stunted, underdeveloped, and underfed when it comes to matters of the heart and relationships . . .the one I have with myself and the lack of one I had with that certain person. All of that has caused the issues and failures in my relations with other people.
I can say it now: I have been emotionally malnourished. Maybe that’s the reason why I . . .
* Was almost always in a state of sadness and/or loneliness. And it kept getting worse until . . .
* Had that major depressive episode. It brought all the empty spaces and weak connections with my familial and social existence to light. I STILL think that dealing with something like that all alone, yet surrounded by all of those inert (and somehow still toxic) people I’ve mentioned was nothing short of an injustice. And I don’t care whether I’m “overreacting” or not when I say that. It was, after all, the most painful part of the whole experience. Seriously, after the people closest to me failed me this badly when I needed their help/love/support the most, I can’t help but feel betrayed somehow. And now I find myself more determined than ever to never have to ask for their help again. Oh, that reminds me . . .
* Have an intense compulsion to avoid vulnerability at all costs. It has brought me nothing but grief and heartbreak. Every time I opened up and let people in I’ve paid for it . . .dearly.
* Developed ‘anti-social’ tendencies—when looking at things on a surface level. They’re really just ‘anti-people-hurting-me’ tendencies. And I’m also growing more anti-idiot by the day. Speaking from experience though, the safest place I have been is by myself.
* Tend to think of myself as emotionally ‘needy’ or ‘sensitive’ and take measures to either correct or hide it.
*Pretty much had no idea how to process emotions up until a few years ago. They were something I tried to avoid as much as possible. So many unpleasant memories and experiences: how I felt was often ridiculed, ignored, dismissed, or outright punished (that one time . . .) mostly by that certain person I keep talking about. Since I didn’t know what to do with it, all that unprocessed emotional energy would just kind of hang around as I fended it off or ignored it until it dissipated. Then it would eventually lodge itself someplace in my subconscious mind where it would always find its way back out as something self destructive.
* Still have some difficulty with the notion that it’s okay to just feel. Something about a deep seated belief that feelings were for the weak.
* Seem ‘obsessed’ with romantic attachments. I failed to form deeper connections and find total acceptance with family. My pursuit of fulfilling friendships was equally disappointing and hopeless. Love and romance was the only option I felt I had left to get my need for connection met and I feel as though I have epically failed at that too. And now I’m thinking that I should just give up on that altogether. It’s a good thing I like cats . . .

     I’ve been writing an awful lot about emotional malnutrition and the havoc it wreaks which makes me wonder if it is in fact a real ‘thing.’ Can people really be affected by a distinct lack of connection and interaction? Or is all of that really not as important as I’ve come to understand?
Well, after striking pay dirt on yet another one of my internet expeditions, I definitely confirm that . . .


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