Detox Diaries # 15

     . . .letting the pattern of emotional neglect continue. Making no moves to stop yet another generation fall into the trap of complacency, mediocrity, and failure. For not standing up and putting all of that madness to an end. For not seeing the pattern in the first place.
It always struck me as the ultimate mind-(word that rhymes with duck) that she, along with everybody else, seemed more interested in maintaining some dysfunctional status quo than fixing what was obviously wrong. I once devoted time and energy to such a twisted situation because I was too scared—scared of being outnumbered, and of being misunderstood which would probably just make everything worse . . .for me. Though much of those fears have greatly subsided, I’d be lying if I said that I don’t still have those thoughts buzzing around in my head.
And remember all those stories about the past I mentioned last time? I must have heard dozens of them growing up and they bothered me for obvious reasons. But there’s another less obvious reason I found what I heard troubling: I never heard one story about anyone in the history of this family who was a shining example of something to aspire to. Why doesn’t that bother anybody else? And, more importantly, was there ever a flash of brilliance in this otherwise dull bloodline I’ve been born into?
I really wish that my mother could have been all those things¾that shining example to aspire to, that flash of brilliance. Or at least someone who could see the pattern I’ve been describing and take steps to halt it in its tracks. But now I’m thinking that since she couldn’t do it, then maybe she wasn’t meant to. Perhaps, bringing the continuing tradition of complacency, mediocrity, and failure to an end will fall to me. Since I have been given the ability to see all of this foolishness going on and to understand that it is indeed a huge problem, maybe I’ve also been given the ability to be that brand new beginning my lineage so desperately needs. Hopefully, I’ll be the one that future descendants will sit around and tell stories about.

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